Understanding Asexuality and Low Desire: Creating a Relationship That Works for You
By Rebecca Ginder, Licensed Sex Therapist
Not everyone experiences sexual desire in the same way—and that’s okay. Whether you identify as asexual, experience low desire, or are partnered with someone who does, it’s essential to know that there’s no “right” amount of sexual interest. Healthy relationships don’t depend on how often you have sex. They depend on how well you understand and respect each other’s needs.
In my work as a sex therapist, I often meet individuals and couples who are navigating mismatched desire or redefining what intimacy looks like. This can feel confusing or even isolating at times, especially in a culture that often equates sex with love or connection.
This post is here to offer support, education, and validation—for anyone trying to understand their own relationship with desire or build a fulfilling partnership outside of traditional sexual norms.
What Is Asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Some asexual individuals may still enjoy physical affection or romantic relationships, while others may not. It’s a spectrum, and like all identities, it’s deeply personal.
Some common terms within the asexual umbrella include:
- Gray-sexual: Occasional or situational experiences of sexual attraction.
- Demisexual: Sexual attraction occurs only after forming a strong emotional bond.
- Aromantic: Limited or no experience of romantic attraction.
It’s important to note that asexuality is not the same as low libido, though they can overlap. Asexuality is about attraction; low libido refers more specifically to a person’s interest or drive toward sexual activity.
What Causes Low Sexual Desire?
Low desire is a common experience that can be influenced by many factors:
- Hormonal changes (e.g., menopause, postpartum, chronic illness)
- Mental health (anxiety, depression, past trauma)
- Medication side effects
- Relationship stress or disconnection
- Lifestyle factors, like fatigue, parenting, or stress
- Personal identity, such as being asexual or questioning one’s sexuality
If you’re experiencing low desire and it’s causing confusion, distress, or tension in your relationship, know that you’re not broken—and you’re not alone.
What Does Intimacy Look Like Without Sexual Desire?
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex. It can be:
- Holding hands
- Sharing vulnerable conversations
- Watching a movie snuggled under the same blanket
- Acts of service and deep emotional care
- Building a life together full of mutual respect and understanding
The key is redefining intimacy in a way that feels nourishing—for both partners.
Navigating Desire Differences in Relationships
If one partner has low or no desire and the other has a higher desire for sexual connection, it can create emotional strain. However, it’s absolutely possible to create a loving and fulfilling relationship built on open communication, respect, and flexibility.
1. Have Open Conversations Without Judgment
Start with empathy. Talk about how each of you experiences desire. Use “I” statements:
“I feel close to you when we’re physically affectionate, and I wonder how you feel about that.”
Remember—no one is at fault. This is about learning, not fixing.
2. Set Boundaries and Explore Alternatives
If one partner doesn’t want sex, and the other does, it’s important to honor both people’s needs. That may mean:
- Finding other forms of physical closeness (e.g., cuddling, massage)
- Agreeing on what kinds of touch feel good vs. what doesn’t
- Exploring if intimacy can be expressed in non-sexual but meaningful ways
Each couple’s solution will look different. Therapy can help you find what works for you.
3. Consider Relationship Structures That Support Your Needs
For some couples, it may be helpful to explore creative relationship agreements (like open or mixed-orientation arrangements), especially when one partner has higher sexual needs. These decisions should always be based on clear consent, mutual agreement, and ongoing conversation.
This is not the right path for everyone—but for some, it’s a way to honor both partners without resentment or guilt.
When to Seek Support
You might consider working with a therapist if:
- You’re unsure whether you’re asexual, experiencing low desire, or both
- You feel guilt or shame around your (or your partner’s) level of desire
- You’re struggling to feel close without sex
- You and your partner want to find new ways to connect, but feel stuck
Therapy provides a safe space to explore your identity, express your needs, and cultivate an authentic relationship that benefits everyone involved.
Final Thoughts
A fulfilling relationship isn’t about how often you have sex—it’s about how well you understand and support each other. Whether you identify as asexual, experience low desire, or love someone who does, you deserve a connection rooted in honesty, trust, and emotional safety.
If you’re looking for support navigating differences in desire, identity questions, or intimacy challenges, I’m here to help. Reach out today to schedule a session, and let’s explore how you can create a relationship that honors who you truly are.support you. Reach out today to schedule a session, and let’s explore how you can build a more trusting, fulfilling intimate life together.
Contact me at rebecca@rebeccaginder.com or call (561) 757-5887
